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Sunday, March 30, 2008

A Confession?

I dunno why but somehow I feel like I wanna confess something here..


Today is my birthday..Although a lot of my friends wished me but I dunno why I felt alone. Maybe because I'm a hypocrite..I hide a lot of things from them and sometimes I felt like I don't belong to them. They mostly dunno anything about me. No one knew that I'm a very sensitive person but somehow I managed to cover it up. I can easily shed my tears even when I'm watching a drama. No one knew that except for my family. I pretended to be cheerful and smile when they made jokes or poke fun at me. They thought that I am "feeling-less" or the relax one or the "slumber" one. But deep in my heart I knew that I have more feelings than that. I tend to make stupid jokes and they laughed. Sometimes I wonder if they are really care about me. I am a particular girl and I tend to be very detailed. It bothers me when people say something that is wrong or not true. I love art but no one knew that. Well, maybe only very few knew this. They think that I didn't have any teddy bears or plush toys. I still remember one of them said, "Takkan la katil Bell banyak teddy bear".I juz smiled when I heard that. Little that they know, I have a lot of them..From big to small..Maybe because they only saw my bed at college.I love kawaii stuff.

Sometime they tend not to SMS or call me simply because I didn't use the same telco as them..Too expensive laa..Waste our creditlaa..I felt really hurt when they say that. It is also hurtful when they came to u only to pinjam credit.It's like they only SMS me when they have to, not because juz for "saje-saje". WELL,for your information I USE CELCOM because they have more coverage!! What is the use of having so much Credit but in the end you can't use it because you are out of coverage. I dunno why I am very emotional today. No one knew that I'm also a "hot-tempered" and "hard-headed" girl but somehow I managed to control them..Maybe I learnt to control it during my high school years coz of an incident. From that day I tried to control my anger,sensitiveness and all the bad stuff in me. And somehow I managed to control them.

Does it bother you when people tend to critic themselves negatively? Well, I do. I hate them when they say "I'm too fat", "I'm too dark", "I did my exam badly" or even "My tudung is horrible"..It's okay when you say them jokingly or sometimes. But when I always heard that, it's making me annoyed and I hate that. Don't they know that when they said that, a lot of people are suffering more than them? It's not like you are the fattest girl in the world or have the darkest skin in the world! You guys should love yourself more! When I still in school, my self esteem is very low. Well, I'm not the cleverest in school, have many pimples,not pretty nor popular! BUt when I came into university, I said to myself that I will not care what anybody will say at me..I'll juz live my simple life my way..Not to terikut2 other people or stressed myself with "why i'm not as pretty as others" or "why i'm not as clever as others" or "why don't i have a boyfriend" anymore. I juz don't give a damn. But lately when some people said them, it made me feel very very annoyed coz it reminds me of my old self and I really hate it!Please juz stop,ok.I've had it!

Sometimes, I also felt like they are not listening well enough or sometimes ignoring me which made me really insulted(maybe it was juz my feeling.UNSTABLE!). I know I am a playful girl and sometimes i poke fun at you guys too but you should tell me if the joke went too far.I hated myself if I hurt any people with my jokes.It's true.And I also hate it when you guys sometimes play with my name like "Belly". I know you juz add "Y" to my nickname:BELL but it really bothers me. IT sounded like "belly" or in other word "stomach". I felt like it is insulting coz it's kinda like referring to my belly.I know my belly it's not flat like some people but...i juz simply hate it. And before I forget, I don't like being pushed nor have to agree to any opinion not made by myself..

Maybe some of them knew that I like to photograph,take pictures..but some juz didn't understand my photo's..saying like it's membazir or not worth it,it's better to photograph their faces..well,it's my passion and I bloody hate it when someone tell me it's not worth it.If only I had money to buy a cool DSLR camera,I'll make this passion of mine into the next level. Some people juz don't get it. The same goes with the keyboard, I want to make cool music but I juz didn't have the money to buy it.I juz don't want to make it as a burden to my dad.

Well, I'm not here to condemn my friends but juz to confess some stuff that really bothered me. I know all of you are really good people and everyone is not perfect including me..I juz wish that you guys should learn me better.Sorry for any misunderstands or any harsh words I said.



i hate today...

2 comments:

  1. bell.u really felt that? sory ek kalo ak pnah kate ape2 ek. its true that i know little about u. hope that u will be more opened to us. kalo ade pape, juz say it right to my face. ak xtau yg lain.tp ak leh terima. ok kuci2. lv u

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  2. bell..
    thaxx 4 da confession..
    ak rasa bagus cam nie..at least ak tau the other part dalam ko.. ak definitely nak tau more....
    bell..
    ...""I'm so sorry but i love you da geo-jis-mar
    I-ya mor-rass-eo i-je-ya ar-ass-eo ne-ga pir-yo-hae
    I'm so sorry but i love you nar-ka-ro-un mar
    Hwas-gim-e na-do mo-reu-ge neor tteo-na-bo-naess-ji-man
    I'm so sorry but i love you da geo-jis-mar
    I'm so sorry but i love you
    I'm so sorry but i love you
    (i love you more and more)
    I'm so sorry but i love you na-reur tteo-na
    Cheon-cheon-hi ij-eo-jur-rae
    Nae-ga a-pa-har su iss-ge""..

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